image courtesy of rubenshito and stock.xchange
Like Lisa yesterday, this is my first post for The Naked Hero. I love it here – what’s not to love about a hero? He’s gorgeous and sexy. He can slay dragons (real or metaphorical) for his woman. He can make her laugh, he can make her happy in a way no other man can and most importantly he can make her come six ways to Sunday.
What’s not to love?
How about when they cheat?
That’s what I want to talk about today – the hero who cheats. And does this automatically strip him of all the rights and privileges of hero status?
Big, fat, hot button, I know.
Plenty of A-listers have done it. Hugh Grant is a classic example – cheating on Liz with a hooker. And Jude Law and Ethan Hawke both strayed with their children’s nannies. Doesn’t seem to have done any of them long term harm, does it? Television is rife with infidelity plots. Some of my favourite TV shows feature it – The Good Wife, Saving Grace, Homeland, Game of Thrones.
Movies also – anyone seen my bunny? And how wrenching was the almost-infidelity sub-plot with Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson in Love Actually?
I wrote a book a while back (How To Mend A Broken Heart out in August) and as I was writing it my muse was telling me my hero had cheated on his wife. I kept writing, ignoring her, because, that’s just not something that happens in category romance. But the more I wrote the more I knew she was right.
My hero had cheated on his wife. (I hope they don’t revoke my Goddess status around here…)
Sure, there are extenuating circumstances. Their marriage is in the toilet and has been for a year since their little boy drowned in the back yard. My heroine is stuck in a deep mire of grief where she’s barely functioning. They certainly haven’t been intimate on any level since it happened. He’s been trying and trying to reach out to her, to help her through her grief even as he’s trying to stumble through his own but she’s completely emotionally shut down. It’s an impulsive Saturday night bar hook up that’s really not about the sex – it’s about a woman who sees him as a man, not as an inadequate husband or a grieving father, not as someone who’s failed him. But as an interesting, attractive man. He instantly regrets it and knows that the marriage is well and truly over and they go on to separate.
This is a couple with a tragic story and I hope whoever reads it feels for both of them.
But….
Does it really matter what he’s been through? Is cheating ever okay? Are there ever any circumstances where it’s okay? Or does the hero just instantly become a dud in your eyes once he crosses the line? Have you ever read a book or seen a movie or TV show where infidelity made you so mad it changed your opinion of a character or broke your heart? Or have you seen it done well and been able to sympathise with the cheater?
Talk to me – I’m all ears!
About Amy Andrews
Amy, that really is a hot button! At the end of your post, I have to say, first up, that I SO want to read that Medical. As a category author, I’ve always thought, no way – even if they’re separated. But you see heaps of Women’s Fiction and movie story lines using that thread (How much more of a love story could Love Actually be?!?) And it’s not only the guys. Maybe it’s simply because it happens in real life. All the time. For all kinds of different reasons.
Don’t get me wrong. If my dh were to cheat on me, I could never trust him again. I do not condone the behavior. But I also love horror stories. Doesn’t mean I advocate serial killings or believe in monsters. Although…
I’ll think about this all day!
PS Didn’t know about Ethan Hawke. Sob.
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Amy Andrews Reply:
June 14th, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Hi Robbie – thanks for your thoughts. I think what it gets down to is how much of a “grey area” it can be when we all really want it to be black and white.
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Yep, this is so a hot-button issue. Personally, I don’t think a hero cheating is ever really “okay.” Like you said, there were extenuating circumstances for yours.
That said… It’s a deal-breaker for me personally. One of my few unforgivable sins in real life and fiction. So, for me, no–it’s never okay for a hero to cheat. *shrug*
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Amy Andrews Reply:
June 14th, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Hi Katee, no need to shrug, I asked for opinions and suspected that most people would come down on the no side. Extenuating circumstances or not, cheating is cheating, no matter how a person might try to justify.
It will be interesting to see how the book is received by readers…
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Hi Amy!
I can forgive a hero in that kind of scenario in a book or movie if he is well-written and redeems himself (feels lots of guilt and instantly knows he was wrong etc..). In real life- the circumstances are rarely that extreme. IMO Have the decency to end the relationship first and move on… But it is a hot button and not at all black and white! Also I think because in a book I get to know all of the story and all of his thoughts it’s easier to understand, then sympathize with and then forgive his actions. But it would have to be one heck of a writer to keep him on the line of redeemable and trustworthy enough to love for the heroine.
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Amy Andrews Reply:
June 14th, 2012 at 10:25 pm
Hi Kimberly – I think it definitely helps to know all the circumstances surrounding the episode of infidelity so the issues can be weighed up. I agree its not black and white but its such an emotive issue it polarises people.
Redeeming should always include major grovelling I think
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Personally, I love flawed heroes. Love them. Cheating is definitely a tough one, but I think that if done properly it could add an interesting twist to the character.
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Amy Andrews Reply:
June 14th, 2012 at 10:29 pm
HI Tiffany. It is a tough one.
I guess my muse was telling me that this man in those heinous circumstances was just human and not perfect.
I do wonder though how much mail I’m going to get about it….
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Ooooh, good topic!
IRL, I’m with Katee. It’s something I don’t think I could forgive. Or if I could forgive, I couldn’t forget, so it would always be there, just under the surface. If he did it once, will he do it again? Sure, there may be extenuating circumstances, but they wouldn’t be extenuating enough for me.
In fiction, I can deal with it. Depending on the situation, of course, but if the reasons are there and I can empathize with him enough, then yes, I can forgive. I have, in fact, written a cheating hero. The heroine forgave him. It wasn’t his fault, really. He was undercover, and refusing might have blown his cover. And he didn’t even lie about it, so that was one more point in his favor. All in a day’s work, basically.
I guess maybe I think physical infidelity is different from emotional infidelity, at least fictionally speaking. (IRL it’s all the same. Sorry about the double standard.) But sex for the sake of sex is very different from making that emotional connection and actually making love.
One of these days, I’ll have to write a cheating hero and see if I can make it work. I love challenges!
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Hey Jenna – you raise two good points.
Forgiving and forgetting are two different things entirely.
And physical infidelity v emotional infidelity. Isn’t lusting and sexy texting and dirty emails and flirty coffee sessions emotional infidelity? Does taking it to another level even matter if you’re already being unfaithful emotionally?
Sorry, I dont have answers just questions
And now I’ve just got to read your cheating guy – which book?
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Amy Andrews Reply:
June 14th, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Sorry Jenna, I meant to add that emotinal infidelity was the basis of the Alan Rickman/Emma Thompson sub-plot in Love Actually. And my heart ached for Emma’s character but I have to say, I also felt for Alan’s character. He was a man getting older/staider/in a rut who had his ego flattered by a sexually agressive younger woman. I’d like to think that if push came to shove, he wouldn’t have gone there, I certainly think if she hadn’t come on to him it wouldn’t have even entered his mind but…..the damage was already done.
It still makes me sad to think about it.
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Jenna Bennett Reply:
June 15th, 2012 at 7:43 am
It’s actually part of my Cutthroat Business series. One long love story, five books. That part of it doesn’t happen until book 5, but the romance starts in book 1. If you (any of you) want to read them, give me a shout privately and I’ll hook you up with some freebie copies. They’re not bad, if I do say so myself. You do kinda have to read them all and in order to see the relationship develop, though.
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I think for me it would depend on the story line. I mean it’s not murder or wife beating or rape or something that I couldn’t come back from with a hero. But it would have to be somethign redeemable. The constant horn dog probably not, a guy who strayed under emotional duress like you’re describing and trying to make it right? Probably.
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Hi Patricia – constant horn dog is definitely not heroic. But you nailed my guy in one.
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Okay, first I must say I sooo want to read this book! I do think a cheating hero can be redeemed. It’s a tough road, but practically speaking I realize we are all human and humans sometimes make mistakes. As long as there are extenuating circumstances and the hero really and truly redeems himself, I will gladly and eagerly follow along.
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Hi Rosalie. I think you’ve summed it all up nicely – depends on the circumstances. Thanks for dropping by!
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I have never read a book with a cheating hero/heroine plot, where at the end, I forgave the cheating, no matter how well-written or emphatic the character was. That is a major deal breaker for me. Yes, in some of these stories there were grave reasons behind the cheating, ie. tragedy etc, but what happens when the couple hits another rough patch? The hero/heroine will resort to cheating again? To me, whatever the grave circumstances behind it, cheating is the ultimate selfish act. And I cannot imagine myself trusting someone ever again after that someone has cheated.
Sorry if I sound so judgemental. lol
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Amy Andrews Reply:
September 13th, 2012 at 10:44 pm
Wow CJ – better late than never
Its okay, its a hot button for you. Understandable.
But I can say now with the benefit of this book having been out for almost two months, with a lot of mixed reviews, is that not one single reviewer has taken issue with the infidelity. Not ONE. Colour me gobsmacked! I thought that was going to be the thing that sunk the book into oblivion but apparently not!
Interesting….
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Hmmm, I never listen to what critics say anyway, I just read the books and watch the movies and I decide whether or not I like them. :p
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